| We all look forward to the time when we will be able to retire, and we all have dreams and plans about what the “next stage” of life will be like. As retirement age grows closer, couples may begin to make more specific plans. Perhaps they’ll buy an RV and travel across the country. Maybe they’ll finally purchase that golf community dream home they’ve had their eye on for some time.
But then the unthinkable happens. And whether their spouse’s death was sudden or after a long illness, the surviving spouse must now face the idea of living out their retirement years without the person they may have been with for decades.
What now?
"Perhaps the best thing for the surviving spouse to do," said Dee Caplan, director of counseling services at Hospice of Kitsap County, "is to give themselves plenty of time."
“We live in a culture that so underestimates the time it takes to work at their grief,” said Caplan. “Often it’s three to six months after the death that the reality of grief hits with full force.”
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LOCAL HOSPICE
Hospice of Kitsap County offers a range of grief support services that are open to the entire community. Any member of the community who has experienced a loss is eligible for three private grief support sessions with a social worker or spiritual counselor, and Hospice provides referrals to grief counselors for ongoing support. Other grief support programs offered by the organization include an ongoing drop-in support group in Poulsbo, a nine-week grief support group held three times a year, and grief support services designed specifically for children. For more information about Hospice of Kitsap County’s grief support programs call (360) 698-4611, or visit www.hospiceofkitsapcounty.org. |
The first few months after a loved one’s death is often spent in what amounts to a state of shock, Caplan said. It is only once that begins to wear off that the surviving spouse will begin to fully realize their grief. Because of this, Hospice of Kitsap County, for example, offers 15 months of bereavement support for family members of hospice patients, and that amount of time, said Caplan, is pretty standard.
“People need to take time,” said Caplan. “It’s really difficult.”
Joining a support group can be extremely helpful, she continued, and is a step she strongly recommends. Because our culture is focused on getting over grief quickly, friends and family, despite their good intentions, may not be able to provide the long-term emotional support the surviving spouse may need. A support group for grieving spouses, however, provides a support network of people who truly understand what the surviving spouse is going through.
How much time is enough time? That will differ with each person and no one should feel as if they are not overcoming their grief too quickly or too slowly. But usually, said Caplan, “you want to get through the first anniversary of everything,” including the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, birthdays and so on.
Surviving spouses should resist the temptation to rush into new things and major changes, such as new relationship, selling their house and so on.
“It’s okay to sit back for a while,” said Caplan. “It’s time people need.”
As grief begins to wane the surviving spouse may now be faced with the question of how to move forward, when the life they planned included two people, instead of one?
“Dreams and hopes should never be dashed,” said Caplan, “but they can be altered by our life experiences. I might ask someone to ask themselves the question, ‘what’s important now?’”
It’s a question, she said, that they often ask of hospice patients, because the answer to that question that can changes for them frequently.
If the answer to that question is still the original retirement plan then it’s not disloyal to continue pursuing that dream.
“Finding joy in the world again is part of the reconciliation of grief,” Caplan said.
If the plan no longer has the same appeal, she continued, then that’s okay, too.
Losing a spouse can seem like losing half of yourself. It is not a loss that you can recover from in a prescribed period of time. By taking all the time they need—not the time other people feel they should take—surviving spouses can, and will, come through the grief process ready to face their new life.
“Life is always about taking new risks, and trying new things,” said Caplan, “but we have to be ready for them.”. |
