You can score extra points by whispering in the Queen’s English. Practice saying “good show old chap.” Aged cliché’s often pass for witty commentary during golf, especially when imported from England, Scotland, or Ireland. High fashion will not save you if you speak loudly on a golf course.

The second rule of golf is play well or at least play quickly. The only thing less desirable than playing poorly is playing poorly slowly so the entire course is backed up behind you. If you often find people asking you to “play through”, you have not paid sufficient dues at the driving range. In this case, immediately leave the course and go directly to the driving range.

Once you feel ready to return to the course, in case you still play poorly slowly, request a tee time after 6 p.m. That way no one will be behind you. You won’t finish your game before dark, but nobody cares about slow golfers, not one bit. Play well or play poorly quickly. Never play poorly slowly unless it is late in the day when all the attractive golfers are at the 19th hole slurring the Queen’s English. And always remember the following:
• 1 practice shot is acceptable
• 2 practice shots are acceptable only on occasion and only if you are very well dressed
• 3 practice shots and people will whisper about you behind your back, “you’re out”
• More than 3 practice shots and people will whisper directions to the driving range at you

The third rule of golf is smile. Smile even though you are destroying what would otherwise have been a peaceful walk in a beautiful park. That is right, there is even a golf book titled, A perfect walk, ruined. Just smile and remember that you paid for the humbling experience! Smile like you are having fun, especially when addressing the starter. If you are grumpy, loud, or poorly dressed, the starter will move back your tee time.

The starter controls when you are allowed to play. The starter uses this power arbitrarily. Grumpy people get bumped hours down the list. Also smile before and after each stroke. Remember, the first rule of golf is to look good. If you have to throw your clubs, smile when you do so. It is preferable, however, to whisper profanities. Better golfers smile even while swearing because this reduces the amount of whispering behind one’s back. It is highly likely that you will not be having fun. Just remember to look like you are having fun.

There are many other rules in the game of golf, over 350 at last count. Its not just about hitting the ball in the hole in the fewest strokes, oh no.

The top 10 most important manners that comprise golf etiquette are:

10) Attitude is more important than everything, including your score, with one exception...the rake. Leave the sand pit just like you found it.

9) Bring twice as many balls as you think you’ll need. Someone will need “one more,” probably you!

8) Remember what ball you are using. Hitting someone else’s ball is like borrowing someone else’s toothbrush... very poor form.

7) Stay out of your partner’s way on the putting green. Placing a footprint between your partner’s ball and the cup is a Class 3 Felony.

6) Remember, it’s just a game. Your score doesn’t matter, really! Whisper and have fun.

5) Don’t wear your spikes in the clubhouse. This causes people to stop whispering fast!

4) “Honors” go to the low score on the prior hole. Hackers take the tee last, preferably after 6 p.m.

3) Smile

2) Play well or at least play quickly

1) Look good, or partner with someone who does.