The Caddyshack of refinement, golf and etiquette go together like babies and diapers. In fact, the discipline and civility that golfers display on the course is the main thing that distinguishes golf from other sports.

Why, I wonder, would anyone spend so much money “playing at,” something they will never be good at? Perhaps it’s because the game of golf mimics life. No matter how we handicap ourselves and others, in an attempt to “level the playing field,” we are routinely humiliated. Nothing is fair, in golf or in life. As Arnold Palmer once said, “Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated.”

It all begins with that flat square area of well-mown grass with the three sets of colored markers. Here one gets to decide from where one tees-off depending on one’s inability to play the game. The farthest marker from the hole (the loving cup, the bucket) is blue. Blue tees signify expert and according to M. Scott Peck in his book Golf and the Spirit, “...are only used by male professionals, men reasonably close to being professional, or by macho types with delusions of grandeur.” That would be the guy who orders his Thai food with five stars and then spends dinner sweating rigorously from the nose and receding hairline.

The white tee is the middle tee and is “customarily used by normal male players.” The red marker, often called the “ladies’ tee” is closest to the hole (the flagstick, the pin). Using the red tee gives that player an extraordinary advantage. Obviously, maintaining the authenticity of this game is important, for what other sport offers such concessions to weaker players? Not particularly democratic, but hey there’s usually a beverage cart just a wedge away with a diversity of beer and cocktails enough to satisfy any libertarian.

The standard golf course is approximately 7,000 yards long and roughly a par 72. Eighteen times a game (assuming one plays a full round) a player stares down the fairway, squints, checks the wind, takes a few practice swings, bounces at the knees, waggles, squints again and, dreaming of a bogie or an eagle, whiffs, shanks, hacks, slices, tops and hooks his way into the rough, where he begs a mulligan, furiously explodes out of a sand trap, or simply cheats to arrive on the green just feet from the hole. The hole is approximately two and half times the diameter of the ball. The ball bounces. The green breaks. The group behind grows impatient and mutters “duffer,” under their breath.

Approximately 40 million people around the globe routinely play golf, of which 99.9% will never shoot par. And yet they are out there every chance they can get. A bad day on the golf course is better than a good day at work. Right?

Some claim that they golf for the exercise. Enter the cart and expensive cheap beer. Others enjoy the scenery and companionship. Rigorous male bonding. I believe what drives most folks to the course is the addiction.

Like downhill skiers to speed, or skate boarders to noise, golfer’s long to relive the feeling they had the first time they got a ball in the air. The sweetness of watching it become a little black dot silhouetted against the sky. And then it was gone. The hair stands up on the back of your neck, and the goose bumps make you feel as if you too can fly.

“I can do this,” you say. “I am a lean, mean, golfing machine.” Nothing compares to that feeling. Some say it is better than sex.

We are a species of rule followers. We have to be in order to get along. Take away the rules and the entire system breaks down. The same holds true in the game of golf. The following rules of etiquette apply in all situations on the course, from the practice area to the green. These rules mysteriously mirror The most important things in life I learned in Kindergarten. Honor them and you may be mistaken for civil:

• Don’t throw your club.
• Don’t shout.
• Don’t run. (not because you might injure yourself but because you might damage the course or be a distraction to other golfers).
• Don’t loiter or cast a shadow.
• Don’t be lazy. Be ready when it’s your turn. Be courteous and quick.
• Drive your cart only in designated areas.
• Be aware of others around you.
• Pick up after yourself (do not forget your clubs on the course).
• Don’t trespass (“Keep Out” means, don’t go there).
• Think.
• Take responsibility for yourself (replace your divots and ball marks).
• Leave your cell phone at home.
• Compliment other players, but don’t offer unsolicited advice.
• Don’t swear or gesticulate.
• Don’t drink alone.
• Never yell, “fore!” unless you mean it.
• And, if it is too hard, don’t do it.

The reality is most people who play golf don’t even know the rules, which is fine don’t you think? As long as they are having fun.

Most of us hate to wait. We will do almost anything to avoid standing in line. And yet, what do you spend most of your time doing on the golf course? Some golfers get very impatient if a group is playing slowly ahead of them. Americans do not like to give up their space. It smacks of surrender. This makes Playing Through another group one of the most difficult and contentious parts of the game. If you are going to ask another group to allow you to play through, do so in a courteous manner and at a convenient time in the round. It is never acceptable to try to speed up that group by hitting a ball at them to send them a “message.”

I have heard talk of doing business on the golf course. Other than the ever-important schmooz factor, what work could possibly be accomplished? This is not a suitable place for serious conversation. As soon as you start sharing that award winning idea, or begin to make your companion an offer he can’t refuse, the foursome ahead moves on, and (let’s pretend that your partner is interested in what you are saying) by the time you finish your story you will be holding up the foursome behind you. This is why discourse on ‘dis course’ rarely goes beyond: “Saaweet,” “Rotten luck,” “Tough bounce,” “You were robbed,” or “F *^#!”

If this article has offended you and/or you enjoyed it, I am sorry and you are welcome.

Be sure to pick up M. Scott Peck’s Golf and the Spirit and Aubery & Donnell’s Chicken Soup for the Golfer’s Soul. These books have something to offer the sophisticated and the naive, the experienced and the untested, the passionate and the passive. They reflect the 20th century’s growing maturity and newfound outlook on both golf and life: To keep things in perspective and to never lose your sense of humor. Something all of us could stand to work on. See you at the nineteenth hole.