Unless you are fortunate enough to have a chauffer, most mere mortals have the dubious task of personally providing for their car’s cleanliness. Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking – each time you wash your grocery getter it rains. Yep, been there, done that. I’ve even been known to wash my cars in the rain, although we all know it doesn’t rain much in the Northwet (er…I mean Northwest).
Oh sure, the neighbors seriously question my sanity, but at least I’m driving to visit my therapist in a clean car. And don’t apply the logic, “It’ll just get dirty again.” If we applied the same theory to us humans…well…don’t go there…it’s not a pretty sight.

If the term “protecting your investment” means anything to you at all, then “cleanliness” will be the operative and effective word. Contrary to popular belief, weekly washing will not was the paint off your transport device, although some of the late 80’s and early 90’s domestic vehicles caused me to wonder. It was certainly any easy way to tell which one had gone over 60 MPH, ‘cuz most of the paint was missing. This was not, I repeat, not a result of over-washing…it was simply a result of gree…never mind, the automobile manufacturer’s attorneys might actually read this stuff.

When tending to the exterior cleanliness, do not fall prey to the theory that dishwashing liquid can give your paint the same sparkle that it gives your dishes. May I remind you that your dishes aren’t painted nor waxed. Dishwashing liquid is designed to remove wax. Un-good. Be sure to use a good quality car wash soap (I like products made by both Turtle Wax and Armorall), rinse thoroughly, and if at all possible, never wash your transport device in the hot sun lest you enjoy giving it that look of a nuclear lab experiment gone awry.

Another tip that will work wonders for the “anti-rust” movement in your car maintenance is to thoroughly rinse the wheel wells each time you wash the car. This will help get rid of the muck and mire that slowly builds up from the tire spray and road dirt, not to mention other forms of debris that retain moisture and promote rust. Also, don’t forget to chamois (dry) the car after washing to prevent water spots and other nasty paint afflictions

And no respectable car care article would be complete without addressing bug removal. Certainly a distasteful subject, but while you’re pondering bug removal, the bug, no doubt is wondering how to remove a very large automobile from its keester. Can you imagine for a moment what was going through the bug’s mind the instant before impact? The bug probably turned to his friend and remarked, “Hey, Cletus, there is a very large object approaching, can you make out the lettering on the front?” At which point Cletus answered, “B-U-I-C…” Splat!

Many of you may not take this article seriously, but believe me, this is a very traumatic way for bug to end its life. This could easily account for the aggressive and bloodthirsty behavior of our peninsula mosquitoes. The buggers attack you as a sort of revenge for their comrades that adorn your grille and windshield.

I see three basic problems with this form of bug collecting. First, they are generally unrecognizable. Second, they are now three to five times their original size. And third, they are darn hard to remove.

The easiest method of removal actually begins as a preventive measure; keep plenty of wax on your car. No, not in the glove box, or garage, or in the car care kit you got for Christmas thirty-five years ago, but mix equal amounts of elbow grease and wax to create a shield that will help prevent the bug’s vitals from sticking to you car’s shiny stuff. An adequate wax job should create a surface so slippery that even flies will slip off and break their legs.

The drawback to this approach, of course, is the possibility of a fly retaliation, or worse yet, a teaming of the mosquito and fly population. Sounds like a great possibility for a Hitchcock movie.

We all know that no matter how many bug shields, high dollar waxes, bras and other paraphernalia we use, bugs will still commit suicide on our grilles, windshields, and other shiny stuff, but with a proper coat of wax they’ll come off easily and without paint damage by simply washing the car. I have a few favorite items that seem to make the job easier, for example, “spray and shine” products made by Race Glaze, or Eagle One work very well for pinpoint exterior wax protection.

Prior to beginning the physical part of a car wash, I thoroughly rinse the exterior, and give the baked-on bugs an extra dose of water (softens ‘em, methinks). I then mix up a bucket of warm sudsy water using a quality product, a couple of which I mentioned previously, made specifically for car washing. And last, I use a cotton wash mitt. The cotton mitt seems to shed the removed grime easier when placed back in the bucket for “suds renewal.” And although the temptation to use a scrub brush may be overwhelming, don’t give in or your car’s exterior may more closely resemble an overcooked pop tart.

By following these few simple steps and exercising a little common sense, the use of a commercial bug removal solution will be unnecessary. But, be sure to periodically follow-up with a fresh coat of wax in the bug slime areas.